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Post - Thursday, 29 July 2004
29 July 2004I know.. I so rarely do Protected Posts. But as I always say… I don’t keep secrets unless they’re not mine.
I know Adam reads this journal religiously and knows my passwords, so it wouldn’t matter whether I wrote a private post or a public one. It’s hard writing something pretending that my partner doesn’t read it, and whilst everything I write he already knows, seeing it in writing somehow makes it much more valid. I don’t get it.
| The Evil Gaydar.com |
For the past month or two, Adam has been signed up to http://www.gaydar.com.au with his profile, for the purpose of meeting friends, as well as a Mogenic profile. It’s hard to explain this… I didn’t really mind when he said he wanted to do it, but I was also still wary. Whilst I trust Adam implicitly, knowing that he doesn’t have that many gay friends and needs to meet some more, my past history has thrown up my guards, when I wish it wouldn’t. I broke up with Ryan because he was picking up online whilst going out with me. With Ryan, I first didn’t mind when he was using Mogenic, but when he started on Gaydar, I was very skeptical. I couldn’t help myself.. I always kept tabs on how often he logged on, and when it started getting more and more frequent, I knew I was in serious trouble.
Anyway, with Adam I convinced myself that I didn’t mind, and really, I didn’t. Sure, he got a fair few hits from people telling him how good looking and nice he was (Read: I want to fuck you), and it was probably good for his ego. Anyway, the point I’m getting at was that I started getting more and more… uncomfortable… especially when he was boasting about how many people he had contact him and how I had “better be a good boy because he has lots of offers” It was all in jest, that I know. As such, I told him that whilst I didn’t mind what he was doing, but it was good to be wise and not tease about it, because it was still an insecurity for me. I can’t help it.. I really can’t. I mean… that was the reason I broke up with my last serious bf. And whilst I love Adam more than the lot of ‘em put together, I just can’t help but always have that past hurt in the back of my mind.
As a result, he immediately removed his profiles from both Gaydar and Mogenic, and now I feel like I’m being a horrible controlling and possessive boyfriend. What do you think? I need some outside input on this one.
Out of interest, I went back hunting through my early LJ entries (one of the advantages of having a diary… looking over the past), and found this particular one which might explain my feelings…
Old post, (Ryan Era), 22nd November 2003
Anyway, that’s just one little thing that I’ve been pondering about. Overall, things are still fucking brilliant with him. It’s still a fairytale that I wouldn’t believe if I wasn’t living it myself.
It’s funny.. I usually detest or laugh at those people on LJ, dubbed “emo’s”, especially the fags, who fall in and out of pseudo-love faster than most people would believe possible. I just hope that I don’t sound like that sometimes! Oh hell.. it’s such an unusual and wonderful time, that no wonder I write about it all the time! Yes, there are many other parts to my life, but for some reason I only feel like writing about one subject! *sigh* Pathetic, aren’t I?
Anyway, will leave y’all with this collage I made this morning for him.. Got it properly printed and framed too.. I hope he likes it!
������Random Pressies are the Best
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Caption:�Just decided it was time for a random present. I hope he like this one. Click here for a bigger version
I don’t think you’re overreacting. Given your past history with people using that site your concern seems reasonable.
Y’know… for a socialist you’ve got your head screwed on right! *pokes jokingly*
Thanks Bobby!!! *mwa*
I think your feelings are 100% valid, as are Adam’s. I think the essential things in a relationship are communication, compromise, respect and trust.
That is to say in this case you were able to express something that worried you and why, Adam listened, Adam compromised and respected your feelings and maintained the trust.
Over reacted? No, you simply made Adam aware of your feelings…and you also took into account Adams feelings as well. Don’t feel like you are being controlling or possessive. Adam has choices, you told him how you feel about something, and I assume it wasn’t an arguement, and with that information Adam chose to take the action that he did.
Good on ya, sounds like you have a great relationship.
I think that’s awesome what he did. It shows that you are more important to him than meeting those people and he didn’t woant you to feel uncomfortable. You aren’t controlling as everyone in a relationship has to be willing to make sacrifices for the other member.
On a side note, I am sick with the gay community being so sexual. There is more to life than quick one night stands and things like that are very unsafe–even if you use condoms. Sex should be reserved for your love and maybe some close friends if you are more liberal in that area. I once had a one night stand with someone and it was just awful. I didn’t know him and I didn’t end up liking him. I felt so cheap after it. And this attitude about free sex with everyone makes getting to know people and meeting new friends very hard.
I agree that I really detest the high sexual nature of the gay world. I would say that “it’s because there are two sets of male hormones”, but the sad truth is that lesbians are almost as bad as us.
I think its because of the fact that many fags define themselves by their sexual orientation, and always keep that at the forefront of the minds. If they value themselves on who they fuck, then that’s why the value of sex is suddenly degraded. I too have had a one-night stand… it really really did nothing for me.
I was about to say something, but Nerrad has already said everything I was about to say… so..
What Nerrad said!
Heh heh thanks James!
No.. definately not and argument. I felt so bad when he took it down that I was almost arguing to keep it up! Oh well…
He has done very well to maintain trust… and as I said it’s funny because I know I trust him implicitly, but because of past happenings I simply can’t shake those insecurities.
Thanks heaps anyway babe
*mwa*
You did exactly the right thing. You were concerned/nervous/insecure and you expressed that to your partner. He took your concerns seriously as his following actions demonstrated. You couldn’t have asked for a more genuine response!
Gaydar was a major contributor to setting up the failure of my recent, very delicate burgeoning r’ship. Whilst i understand that gaydar does not force ppl to participate, ppl wilfully choose to and are thus exhibiting character traits of their own. I think all ppl are subject to a degree of insecurity over things (with looks/sex appeal rating highly especially among gay boys) and i suspect that the repetitious actions on gaydar of scoping for and receiving messages from ppl reinforce or create a kind of habitual/routine mini-OCD-like response. so whether or not ppl plan to cheat is sidelined as the habit reinforces itself. And we all know that its only a matter of time before a *special* someone randomly appears in our messages that is the beginning of the end. Your boy’s decision to stem that flow right now shows that his respect for you is out of the ordinary (for gay boys).
“The other woman” in my r’ship was a seemingly innocuous man who was interested in being my boy’s friend, nothing more, but over time he eroded that myth and his real agenda came out in the open, albeit too late for me.
and the pictures are ugly.
hear hear
but not our ones.
Ahhh!!! You and I both know the mindsets behind the majority of Gaydar. I have to admit i’ve fallen victim to the OCD tendencies assosciated with online personals. It’s also very addictive. Gay bois, just like many other boys, love having their egos polished by being told they’re attractive.
I’m sorry to hear about the failure of the relationship between you and Ado. Was this “innocuous man” on gaydar??
Thanks, I’m not so upset about it anymore, but the wound in my heart doesn’t heal. Its a long story, you probably know of at least part of it due to my ramblings on LJ.
Yes, they met through gaydar i believe, or some other similar kind of site.
Your ramblings on LJ are actually very hard to decipher unless you know the story behind it! I suppose that’s apart of its design…
As they say though, “once bitten, twice shy”
Without wishing to appear nasty to gaydar users in general (I am occasionally among them anyway), I think the purpose of my next journal entry will be to lampoon them. Thanks for the inspiration Gus!
Well, “Gaydar” and online personals do deserve some satirical commentry that you are extremely adept at writing! Although we are all victims to it at some point or another, it still displays a part of our nature which we are not proud of…
I’m proud of you boys and how you resolve your problems….
Wish we’d be able to sort our problems out that openly and honestly…
As you know I’m usually skeptical about gay relationships but I can really see yours last!
*hugZ*
I’m so happy for you!
Just make sure you give each other enough space and sanity time so none of you will feel smuthered….
Take care hun!
MISS YA HEAPS!
*hugZ*
Léon
Thanks babe!
Aye… avoiding being smothered is very important! I try not to do it, but sometimes it happens unintentionally…
*kisseZ*
Communication is the win.
*sighs*
You’re right Ol :p
Learnt the hard way, but at least i’ve learnt!
I’m going to say something different.
People are contacting him. Good for him. He’s with you, he hasn’t shown signs of straying (like he’s a cat or something), so there’s nothing to worry about. I realise you’ve had past experience in the field, but his closure of mogenic/gaydar accounts should be enough to let you know he isn’t going to do anything bad.
He’s a big boy, he can look after himself. You’ve done it all before, and you’ve looked after yourself well enough. If people want him, that’s their problem, he’s with you, so they’re not going to have him. I sound tactless here, but grow some balls and deal with it. He’s not going anywhere, neither are you, what’s the harm in having some mates.
The other side is that he could’ve thought people online were complete tards and decided that it was enough. He could’ve grown sick of everyone interested in him only for sex. He wouldn’t have been the first to think something like that.
Anyway, I think you’re slightly overreacting. From what I gathered about you two, there’s nothing to worry about.
So here you’re advocating the use of Gaydar, and then assuming that if everything seems okay, “there’s nothing to worry about”.
If only the things really worked like that…
I used the word seems, because it’s not for me to say if something is ok or not. I don’t know either of them, so I can really only say things as they appear to me.
I don’t quite follow however, are you trying to say that I’m naive? (I’ve been doing nothing all day but Japanese and programming, I’m not in the most clear mindsets :(. )
If what I said is offensive, however, then I do apologise.
Well, Mikey’s too nice to say such things, so evil Gussy might have to put a word in here and there.
Tim, being as polite as I can, in matters like this, and from what I know of you, believing that “everything will be ok” and “grow some balls and deal” is very naive. Online personals can be great portals to those that have no queer contacts, but at the same time I know through my own personal experience and those of my friends that they are also extremely efficient at destroying relationships.
Yes, everything seems fine now. Nothing has been “done”.
However, experience tells you to watch out for warning signs, and that’s one of them.
Ok then. No biggie.
If your gut told you to do that, then you should do that. You asked for an opinion. I gave one. As I said, if you’re offended by it, then I apologise.
On another note, is Debian installed yet?
Thanks
I do appreciate your opinion.. sometimes I have been known to take it the wrong way, and for that I apologise 
I still likes ya!
As for debian.. I’m just in the middle of replying to another one of your comments! Standby!
Your intentions are good and Adam’s response shows that he understands, putting the relationship first.
As for Adam, if he’s as nice as he sounds, I’m sure he doesn’t need some online service to meet friends. Besides, half those people are just looking for guys to put on their To-Do List.
“To-Do List”
I’ve met guys who literally HAVE a list of profile names, who they sequentially work through to see if they can sleep with them all.
I like that.. heh heh
So true unfortunately
(x-posted email from )
Heya Gussy,
How are you doing?? I just had a read of ur last LJ post and thought I’d rather email you instead of commenting. I think to some degree you are overreacting a little given what I know of Adam and how the relationship has been thus far but I can also appreciate that it must have stirred some unfotunate memories & emotions from the past. I think the actions Adam took were really symbolic of just how loyal he is and how much you mean to him, so I deep down don’t think you have anything to worry about there, so breathe!
I may be completely out of place in what Im about to write - Especially given how little I really know you or Adam and what little personal experience I have with relationships but I think I will write on anyway. If I were you I would be more concerned about how Adam feels about every detail of your relationship being pasted on your livejournal rather than questioning whether I am too controlling or too obsessive (Of which you are neither). I appreciate that it is your own space and Im in no way suggesting you should censor anything in anyway, however I know that If I were Adam, I personally would feel very uncomfortable with every issue of our relationship up on the web for all to read. I understand the light in which you approach your livejournal (you just write what you feel, how you feel when you feel it) but your livejournal is more than just a normal journal … It’s an influential little publication (Im certain you don’t intend it to be so) but the fact is that it is read by a lot of different people in this city, and in many cases you can have a large amount of influence on what those people think about a lot of different subjects.
Should hell freeze over and you and Adam ever split up, how do you think he will end up being portrayed?? Do you think it will have any affect on how a number of guys percieve him after the relationship has ended?? (I know I have a lot of preconceived idea of how I feel about Ryan and I have never met him). I guess what Im saying is that I think that there are times and issues throughout any relationship that in respect of your partner could perhaps be better kept on paper and only shared amongst your closest friends by word of mouth rather than being put up on the web for a lot of people to read and spread. I realise you only brought this up on your livejournal because you were confused and worried … as I said, understandable that you were based on your recent history with Mogenic and Gaydar, however could you have possibly talked some of your closer friends for their thoughts and kept it a little more private?? He may of course be fine with you not hiding anything from anyone, but just make sure he truly is.
Im sorry if this upsets you in any way, and if I have crossed a line please tell me and I will be quiet!
Sammy xoxo
Well, how to start off with this one…
In response to “posting our relationship up for everyone to see”… its a problem often assosciated with LiveJournal, and any blogging medium in general.
I am very careful what I post, as his feelings are also extremely important. This is the first post where I have really discussed any particular problem, and to protect his privacy, this post is protected so that only a chosen few may have the access to read it.
Other times, you will notice that I only have extremely good things to say about him… and have no reason to say otherwise.
It’s been said many a time before, but a journal is a journal. I write in this exactly what I would write in hard-copy journal, but with the added benefit that when I choose to I can show others my feelings and have them comment with their opinions.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeves, and refuse to have any secrets unless they are not mine to divulge. If you think that people will have “preconcieved ideas”, that is their choice. When looking at any literary work, you must always remember that it reflects only the opinion of the author, and no others. If you think that Ryan is a shit based solely on what I have written, then you must learn to consider other sources. Of course i’m bitter about him. He fucked me over. If Adam, or any other person fucks me over in similar ways, be prepared for a rant on that front too.
It’s a common problem of society unfortunately… people will accept anything written as absolute truth and never question the credibility behind it.
I read a newspaper, and always keep in the back of my head the politics behind printing certain articles. I hear your opinion that I may have over-reacted, but take little notice considering your limited experience of relationships. And likewise, you have to always keep in mind that when I write something about someone else, it is my opinion and mine only. I could be right, and I could be wrong.
Anyway *sips coffee and relaxes*… I hope I haven’t sounded like too much of a bitch.. sometimes I do get worked up and I hope you can appreciate that what I write is not a personal attack, but observation and commenting on society in general.
Take care babe! *mwa*
Gus
Gussy!
First of all, no matter what a couple of people may say, you are definitely NOT over-reacting to this. Things have happened in the past and well look at what you have with Adam, there is no way in hell that Gaydar should come between you too.
I shudder to think of how many relationships Gaydar and other websites which offer the same services (even Mogenic is partyly to blame as well) have been destroyed by the things which go on there. It’s not just the guys our age looking it ‘meet up’, it’s also the men (read: old, fat, ugly men who have nothing, and hence have to buy their happiness) offering money for so-called “friendship”.
The types of things which are on offer are definitely not condusive to a trust-based and loving relationship. It plays on insecurities.
So… you didn’t overreact. I would’ve been exactly the same. Once burnt, it’s hard not to see it for what it really is. A meat market.
*ends rant*
*hugz you*
~mikey
Oh… I understand *completely* where you are coming from!!
And I too have a special.. uhh… disklike for the “old fat ugly” ones that have to buy their happiness… *growls dangerously*
I’ll admit that I have met a good group of people through Mogenic. You being one, Kurt, being another. As well as all 4 of my bf’s too, I might add.
However, when in a relationship its so so dangerous, simply because of the fact that it plays on insecurities. Maybe everything is pure in intention, but the simply fact is that its not helping any insecurities!
Anyway.. I need more coffee so I can babble on further… he hheh
Study hard babe!!! *mwa*
btw… I *insist* that you get you and your bf’s butt around to my place sometimes this week for dinner and drunken Monopoly!